Eating 100% protein is a BAD thing….ok?
I am still battling my Mommy Tummy.
My girl will be 9 months old next week and although things are not horrible…my body still isn’t back to pre baby conditioning. My stomach muscles are weak…my chicken arms are scrawny…so there is work to be done. I let go of my gym membership at our town’s women’s fitness place. It wasn’t a motivating environment for me. Soft lighting, virtually empty at all hours of the day, and clean. Too easy to while away precious time on the elliptical watching the Kardashians while my ass refuses to change. Nope, what I need is a stinking sweaty man’s fitness center. Complete with hard core free weights and protein guzzling patrons with ripped abs to motivate me.
So, I signed up at a place closer to the house where I would have no excuse to miss my workout. The place was packed with the stink of 30 years of sweat…think Rocky, back in the poor days with Mickey and Paulie. The exercise mats have brown film on them and the chicks have spray tans and fake boobs and ROCK HARD ABS. YEAH….
Today, I met with my trainer for an introductory session. The dude was ok to look at from 50 feet away, but get closer and you realize that he isn’t firing on all cylinders…too much testosterone and too little in the think tank. And the smell?? Pure protein. EESH! Something about ketosis and low carb dieting ferments in the clothes. It was painfully obvious that this dude hadn’t seen the business end of a carbohydrate in quite a while. PheW!
He was 15 minutes late for our session. STRIKE ONE. I told him that I needed to leave 15 minutes early to pick up the peanut. STRIKE TWO. That left us with 30 minutes to accomplish a full body work out. Low Carb Guy quickly put me on the treadmill for 3-5 minutes of cardio to warm up as he briskly explained that he typically focused only on weights and that I could do cardio on my own time. YEAH.
We headed to the machines and he remarked how great I looked after giving birth…hmmm… a bit of flattery to butter me up for his lateness? We started with shoulders and biceps and then moved on to triceps. The dude said I had good baseline physical fitness (without a measurement or a question about my history as a runner/army chick) He was so busy telling me about his own muscles that I renamed him GASTON (If you watch beauty and the beast, well…you know.)
Then, he asked me about my diet. I held up a trembling bicep to stop whatever was about to happen next. I’m a registered dietitian, I told him. In other words…do NOT ask me about protein. I know that protein builds muscles. Yep, got it. However…for the sake of any human being who has to be within 3 feet of a protein packed fiber avoiding male….please…PLEASE…eat something green. It cleans your system out and makes sure that your breath and your sweat do not overwhelm with rancid rotting meat.
Gaston immediately backed off from whatever he was about to say and went with “That must be why you look so good” mmm…hmm…I can feel Jeremy liking him more and more at this moment. Then, he shifts to telling me about his own diet and wonders what he can do to put on more mass?? I briefly consider a trade. I suggest adding spinach to his smoothies and switching from the frozen peaches to some dark nutritious frozen berries in those protein shakes. He looks doubtful. I tried.
I left the gym with pleasant soreness in my shoulders and a lingering whiff of ketosis. Great motivation to come home and have some spinach!